It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
