Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
