If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
