census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
