Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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