I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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