i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
