No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
