Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
