Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
