I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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