Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
