so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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