i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
