Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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