I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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