did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
