it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize