Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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