It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
foreskin is a definite game changer
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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