So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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