I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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