Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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