Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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