Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize