Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
