my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You ate ashes out of my bong
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
