Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
