I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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