I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
