i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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