She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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