Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
