my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
