i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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