I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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