Please, let me fuck your mom
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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