I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
