apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
