Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
