i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
