yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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