She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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