ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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