wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize