Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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