It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
