just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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