Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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