I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
