you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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