god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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