I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize