there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
