i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
