I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
