i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
