so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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