She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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