I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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