I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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