if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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