the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
