Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
