he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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