The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
