Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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