Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
