if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
