My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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