it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
