her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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